Monday, February 28, 2011

Review: I Am Number Four

I AM...NEVER GOING TO SEE ANYTHING BY ANYBODY WHO WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MOVIE EVER AGAIN.

I Am Number Four
Director: D.J. Caruso
Date of Release: February 18, 2011
Reviewed by: AKI

So now that the Oscars are all done with and we have celebrated the best movies of 2010, lets look forward to the award season of 2011-2012.

I AM NUMBER FOUR will, without a doubt, be up for a few Razzies. This is, after all, possibly the worst movie ever made.

We follow John Smith (Alex Pettyfer), a teenager who moves to a small town called Paradise who has trouble fitting in because he is an idiot… and an alien. He falls for the pregnant chick from GLEE (Dianna Agron) only in this movie she’s not pregnant, she's an artsy pseudo-photographer named Sarah. John barely has time to deal with the adolescent drama surrounding Sarah and her jocky ex-boyfriend when the aliens that wiped out his home planet come along. The bad aliens are on earth looking for 9 special aliens from John’s planet. For some reason, these bad aliens with big feet and sharp teeth are killing these special aliens in order. In order of what they never really say, but they have already killed three and John is number 4.

At the five-minute mark, I leaned over to my friend and apologized for dragging her to yet another bad movie (the other was THE EAGLE). For it is about five minutes into the film where we are given a cheesy circa-80s voiceover telling us John’s life story which is frankly quite boring for an alien. It is all embarrassingly lazy screenwriting.

A third of the way through the film, John begins to discover that he has superpowers. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t have suspected before since, you know, he is from another freaking planet. We can only guess he discovers his powers now because now he knows he is in a movie.

So we trudge along with horrible special effects, a forced love story, a geeky abused kid, a dog that turns out to be an alien and an Australian chick who looks like Kristen Stewart (Teresa Palmer) who reveals she is number 6. I would explain all this further but why? It would be a waste of space even for the Internet. All you really need to know is this:

The bad aliens find out where John is, they tear up the town, kill people and release hell on earth. What does John do? He runs away and goes to a dark room to develop a roll of film and share a sweet moment with his pseudo-artsy girlfriend. Yep, I began rooting for the bad aliens. So what if they want to wipe out all humankind and take over earth? They also want to kill John and that makes us friends. Besides, maybe earth should be wiped out if we keep making pedestrian movies like this.

RATING: ---- That's right! Nothing! This movie doesn't deserve a star or apple or a screen to be played on. Too bad the film actually has a decent soundtrack. Really Kings of Leon? You won't lend your music to Glee but you lend it to this pile of rancid vomit. And Adele...you're breaking my heart.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Ranking the Best Picture Nominees

We know it's been awhile since we have updated this blog, but we're diving right back in and immediately talking about the Oscars which is happening next weekend. More specifically, we're going to each list and rank rank the Best Picture nominees we each have seen and share with you our brief thoughts on them.


1. Inception
- Blew my freaking mind!!! In an age where Hollywood plays it safe and turns books with an established fan base into movies, this totally fresh thriller from the warped mind of Christopher Nolan gives hope to screenwriters who want to get back to writing rather than just adapting. Unfortunately, it may be too imaginative for Oscar voters.

2. The Social Network - It’s the film that sums up a generation and does the job so heartbreakingly well. Its intelligence and cleverness oozes from of its well-crafted seams. We could have a big upset against The King’s Speech on our hands. Sometimes, the Oscars like films that are little time capsules of the period and The Social Network is definitely a snapshot that should be floating around on someone’s Facebook page.

3. The King's Speech - I dare you not to be transfixed by every single performance on screen. This is the stuff the Academy lives for and the movie will probably walk away with Oscar Gold. Predictable? Yes, but for once the predictable choice actually deserves to win. I mean, have you seen this flick? It is pitch-perfect.

4. Black Swan - Ballet. Mirrors. Women turning into swans but really just turning crazy. This film lived up to all the hype, but it won’t take home Mr. Oscar. It lacks a certain amount of pseudo-sophistication and self-importance for the naked gold man. Oh well, it will certainly go down as a top-tier thriller.

5. Toy Story 3 - I’m not ashamed to say I totally cried. TS3 is a perfect example of how intelligent and complex films can be even if they are aimed at children. It won’t win the Oscar, but it does contribute to the renaissance that seems to be happening right now in the Animation industry.

6. True Grit - To tell you the truth, I was expecting a bit more. Westerns are epic little adventures and this tries to be, but falls flat. However, the performances were great and major props to the Coen Brothers for bringing back the old west.

7. 127 Hours - I have this thing about bones breaking…I don’t like it. When I hear a crack it’s like someone jammed a pencil all the way in my ear, my body goes rigid and I winch in pain. I’m sure this was a good movie. I was too busy covering my eyes and ears to really know.

8. The Kids Are All Right - Seriously, why is this film nominated? It was just all right (see what I did there?). Break it down and it is a formulaic Indie flick. Too bad…the topic of same-sex couples, their children and the entire concept of a modern family deserve a more innovative and heartfelt examination.


1. The Social Network - Actually don't buy the whole "movie of a generation" hype, but I do think it's the best movie of the year anchored by an excellent script and an amazing 1-2 punch in acting with Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield. It's most certainly a modern classic.

2. Black Swan - Darren Aronofsky has mastered the genre of "mindfuck movies" and it's a testament to him and to the hard work by an absolutely divine Natalie Portman that this film works in so many levels. Special kudos to all of the other fierce ladies in the ensemble who not only supported Portman, but enhanced the film.

3. Inception - Not only was its cast probably the best ensemble out of any film this year, but the story itself was just so unique that I can't help appreciate the risks director-writer Christopher Nolan always seems to take with all of his films. Just an excellent and highly imaginative piece of cinema.

4. Toy Story 3 - I could talk about how well made the film is, but with Pixar isn't that always a given? Instead I'll just off-the-bat say that I have no shame in admitting that I cried a lot during this film and that's pretty much all I have to say on that along with my heartfelt adieu to a magnificent trilogy.

5. 127 Hours - The fate of this film heavily rested on whether or not James Franco had it in him to deliver this performance and thankfully he achieved it brilliantly. You wouldn't think that a film about a guy stuck in a canyon would be riveting and exhilarating, but Danny Boyle's frenetic style and Franco's passion made it happen.

6. The King's Speech - Even with a largely predictable (but no less affecting) story, the cast elevates the whole film by pretty much owning their roles. In fact Colin Firth was just downright genius in his role as the reluctant stammering king and his ability to overcome his struggles was just inspirational.

7. True Grit - Being not a huge Western fan, my expectations for this film was fairly low, but the Coen brothers proved me wrong by unspooling such a wonderful vengeance tale headlined by the lovely debut of Hailee Steinfeld who more than held her own against veteran actors.

8. The Fighter - I generally like boxing movies, but with a cast as brilliant as this one had, it wasn't hard to love the film. The whole feel of the film felt so authentic and the love the filmmakers and actors had regarding the story they were telling was palpable with every scene.

9. The Kids Are All Right - What made this movie for me were the fantastic performances by the kids who probably should've been given more screentime than their adult counterparts, who weren't bad at all, but their story were less interesting to me. With that said, Julianne Moore and Annette Bening were wonderful together.

10. Winter's Bone - If I'm being completely honest, I found this film haltingly slow and oddly cold despite the emotional journey its characters had to go through. With that said, this film was chock full of character actors being damn good and that's no easy task.

Looking back at the results, it's interesting to see that our rankings for the most part lined up with one another. We both really enjoyed The Social Network and Inception and we both expected a lot more from The Kids Are All Right while the rest of the films were scattered in the middle. One of these days we're going to have wildly differing opinions to feature in this blog. That is a promise.